29 aprile 2009

The Infamous Ben June Incident

On this date, Leo Swineheart…” continues with… “The Infamous Ben June Incident”
~ Baron Von Winder

The date was, April 11, 2003, exactly 2 years, and 7 months ago. The suspects were the usual: Eddy “The Legend” Futch, Squanto A.K.A. “Albert E. Pigeous” and Leo “The Party Pervert” Swineheart. This was a night that young Swineheart would remember in infamy for the rest of his life. The other players who had a supporting role in this debacle were Hamburger Bliss, Windy A.K.A. “The Wiley Wheel”, Zeefis “He Cheats” Aphelius and the legendary Eddie “Amino Acids” Odell. “T.O. Viddler”, who claimed to have no foreknowledge of the incident under examination, may have been the mastermind behind the night’s events, though this has yet to be proven and is only mere speculation.

The night started out harmless enough, as is usually the case when something monumental is about to occur. The three juvenile lads, Futch, Pigeous and Swineheart were in Baltimore for the weekend, staying at the home of The Wheel, Bliss and Aphelius. All were is good spirits, enjoying each others company until the keen eye of the “The Legend” spotted a bottle of Ouzo, a Greek liquor. T.O. Viddler decided to retire for the night, and was talking to Bliss, The Wheel and Aphelius in the upper room, leaving Eddy Futch, young Pigeous and the susceptible Leo Swineheart all alone with the bottle of Ouzo. An hour passed as Viddler shared his words of wisdom with the older boys, while the younger sort indulged themselves with booze and revelry. By the time The Wheel, Aphelius and Bliss had rejoined the insufferable youngsters, the effects of their festivities were in full effect. Said Swineheart in an obnoxious voice: “Bob!! Who is that Bob!?! Awe yeah Bob!!”

The six companions made their way over to the WAWA house, a destination of ill-repute particularly notorious for corrupting young souls in the prime of their youth. Along the way, the mild-mannered Swine was getting noticeably bolder, with “The Legend” and crew egging him on all the more. His voice was amplified and gestures gregarious as he beleaguered passersby, in a most jolly way, of course. Upon entering the WAWA House, there were a plethora of buxom beauties to behold. One can only imagine what was going through young Leo’s mind as “Dr. Leo Swineheart prepared to operate.” Witnesses described seeing a certain Mr. Swineheart cornering unsuspecting young ladies and flashing mischievous grins, turning on the charm, if you will, and laying it on thick.

But this behavior was not enough, no, #64 had not had his fill. Swineheart, borrowing a page out of Zeefis’ childhood playbook, who, in his more formative years claimed that he wanted to be a doctor so he could “squeeze girls’ deez’s”, did just that! He crossed the line, and he liked it! These antics went on for a good 20 minutes; Swine was utilizing the “hit & run” technique to perfection, until that fateful moment…

The shameless Swineheart eyed up his next victim, a particularly voluptuous rump. His delusionary mind was clouded by visions of grandeur as he… moved… in… for… the… kill… He waited for the opportune time and struck! The satisfaction was short lived however! Much to his chagrin, the young beauty’s boyfriend witnessed the whole episode and, in outrage lashed out at the confused Swineheart, who by now was in disarray. Stunned that his antics had been exposed, Leo turned and ran for shelter, with five frat boys hot on his embarrassed quakin’. He found refuge in a bathroom and frantically tried to close the door as angry fists rained down on him through the half-opened doorway. A mediator, we shall refer to him as “The Glitch”, eventually calmed down Ben June, the maligned boyfriend of the young women Swineheart had assaulted. After some threatening remarks and a black eye, Swineheart was allowed to go free.

Meantime, The Wheel was wondering where his volatile companion had wondered off to; all of the crew was accounted for except Mr. Swineheart. After a thorough search of the premises, The Wheel found the Swine, dazed and confused on the top floor, blinking profusely and babbling to himself. Ben June’s coward ass was nowhere to be found, so the two compadres made their way downstairs to the room of Eddie “Amino Acids” Odell, where Swineheart explained the whole exploit in detail to his five companions and the much celebrated Odell. At that point, the magnanimous Odellios, stormed to his feet as all 330 pounds exclaimed in a high-pitched voice: “Nobody hits Leo Swineheart and gets away with it!! NOBODY !!!” At that exact moment, someone offered the livid “Amino Acids” a Yoohoo. He calmed down immediately, feigned deny, then retorted: “Well, if you’re offering.” He then started babbling about how he was entitled to the Yoohoo, but nobody was paying much attention by that point.

Squanto was sitting in the corner soaking up every detail with glee.

After some time, the six friends left the WAWA house, laughing about the nights events and eventually made it back to the place where it all began. To give Leo credit, he immediately went up to T.O. Viddler’s room and heaped copious apologies on the old man who was laughing hysterically because he had never seen Leo in such a state of debacle. T.O. appropriately nicknamed Swineheart the “Party Pervert” which was received with another side-splitting round of laughter. It was then confirmed that Swineheart had inadvertently stepped in dog chid, which was the perfect ending for the night. This leaves us with just one question: which was worse, the smell in the room or Leo “The Party Pervert” Swineheart’ behavior, you decide…

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